An Open Letter to the Ex That I Crushed 

Dear A,

There is a certain pain that comes from feeling like you will never be able to do enough. There is a worser pain that comes from knowing you will never be able to do enough ever again. But the worst pain comes from knowing that YOU, of all people, know these feelings all too well. For you, I’d like to say I’m happy I’m feeling again, because for a while there I was a heartless monster of a bratty little kid. But I knew how to love real hard and so did you. Our hearts reached out toward each other, I remember feeling it in my chest, and they held on for as long as they could. All things considered it’s actually pretty incredible how long they did hold on. Two years later and now you’re living in New York! Crazy. 

I’m around the age you were back when we were really going strong and maybe that is why you’ve been perpetually in my subconscious. Turning 21, I look back now and see how much more I was capable of. In fact, when things were really going south I remember you pleading with me and saying I was capable of so much more. I’m sure there’s a nod smirk happening on your face right now, because yes, you were right all along.

Going through my memory box I found lots of letters from you and the diary you were keeping of our relationship. I marveled at how optimistic you were when I know things were really shitty for you. You sacrificed a lot, and I never thanked you. So, thank you. I think I can finally write this because I’m coming over the hump of guilt and remorse just in time for the New Year. I’m home in Indiana for a month and have found a moment of clear headspace to close a chapter in my life. Maybe it’s a shocker to you that I haven’t, but you’ve been floating up in my brain for the past year and a half. Now, with no boyfriend and nothing else to distract, I’ve really hunkered down and made things clearer for myself while keeping my ego at bay. 

At this point I’m rambling but after thinking long and hard; I know there is much to be said, but many of it can be summed up in:

-I’m sorry
-Thank you
-I love you 

I’m sorry for not loving you harder- especially towards the end when you needed it most. I’m sorry for the scars I’ve left and I’m sorry for the disappointment that coats them.

Thank you for the fun and thank you for the adventure. Thank you for showing me how to love and thank you for all the unconditional love you have given me. In the end, and I think all the old Golden broads would agree, thank you for being a friend. 

I love you. That one wraps it all up. There is three squeezes and every emotion that cannot be transcribed on paper. 

Saying that I’m leaving you in 2015 would be cliche and ridiculous. It’s actually a lot more simple: you’re coming with me. For a first true love, you’ve hit a home run which etches itself onto the soul. I leave the guilt and remorse in 2015 but I choose love and gratitude to lead me into 2016.

I’m free. You’re free. 
I’m happy. You’re happy.
And there’s a slice of life.

Love,
Evan 

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