And Fuck You, But Love Me.

Mommies boy. Do you know how you soothe? Do you feel your heart pump such beautiful vibrations when you speak? Your taste and wisdom seeps, but your intuition soars when you walk. Don’t let it crumble. Don’t let yourself make yourself crumble. Don’t run your mind incessantly, and don’t wonder if you’re enough. You always are. I love you.

And fuck you, but love me.

When I was little, I was obsessed with space. I always had glow in the dark stars and shit. Actually, after my parents divorce I had a whole room of outer space.
Then I had a pet rat, Ratty Boy (aka Gus), who basically chewed the room out.
But that’s what rats do.
They think a cardboard Jupiter looks like a tasty Snickers McFlurry, and I whole-heartedly agree. Saturn also looks like a fun dessert. And stoned or not, I know what fun deserts look like.
They just look more fun stoned.

And fuck you, but love me.

I wonder what people think when they think they know what they don’t know they really think.
And when We know what they think.
When We question them,
When We cut their wings,
And yet still give give them a declaration.
We still give them 200 when they pass GO;
Or at least 49.

And fuck you, but love me.

The saddest part of my childhood may not have even been my parents divorce.
Or moving out of my Mom’s house and into my Dads.
Or being bombarded about my budding sexuality from grades 6-8.
I think the saddest part of my childhood was watching Simba lose his father, Mufasa, in The Lion King.
At that age, at least fortunately not for me, a parent dying was not something I could fathom. I could only feel and cry with all the other little kids who laid peacefully in the hands of Disney for all those years.
Feelings and crying built up the interior that still runs and hides itself when held up to a mirror.

And fuck you, but love me.

I’m writing now in order to not cry.
Feelings rush over and now my dreams of an ocean are clear.
My dreams of hiding and seeing my mother be shot in the back.
My dreams of silent booms that fall on deaf ears.
My dreams of after and eternity.

And fuck you, but love me.

Goodbyes should never cross sour lips.

And if you say it sour, you live with the taste.

 And fuck me, but love me too.


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